I need you like water in my lungs

laughterwithans @ 2010-03-10T08:46:00

2010-03-10T16:46:06Z

And I am a ruh-tard.

laughterwithans @ 2010-01-31T22:12:00

2010-02-01T06:12:33Z

17 days til I will be home again!

Where my heart is.

2010-01-14T03:45:21Z

You try so hard to get away from somewhere, and then sometime down the road you discover thats the only place you to be.

laughterwithans @ 2010-01-07T21:16:00

2010-01-08T05:15:59Z

You know something I hate my last name, cause it is a constant reminder of my father, who was never a part of my life, and the only thing he really ever gave me was my last name. Oh well.

Anyways looks like its going to be longer until I can get home, probably won't be until April, which will be exactly a year since the last time I was home. I just enrolled for 3 classes this semester lets see if I can handle it, I wanna get my degree before the end of this year.

And yes my lady you are my rock. And always will be. I wish I could be there everyday. 2012 is right around the corner.

laughterwithans @ 2009-12-17T21:43:00

2009-12-18T05:43:05Z

My mom, Jess, and Row.
These people are always there to tell it like it is, be there when I am miserable and bring me back to life.
3 people, 3 is a low number, but I wouldn't ask for a higher number, cause they are my people.
I love you.
Life is rough sometimes but then you have people to pull you out of the darkness and bring you back to the light. I needed them bigtime today and they were amazing like always.

I have to make sure someone is gone before I can come home.
But it will be soon.
I need a break from all of this.

laughterwithans @ 2009-12-12T22:44:00

2009-12-13T06:44:53Z

So I guess its true, you may graduate high school and leave town and start a new life. But people never leave that mentality of high school behind. Oh well for those poor and unfortunate souls. I am better than that and you. I will fight the good fight, until the end because when I give up on the things that are worth fighting for, then I become like you, and thats something I refuse to do. You ALL are done walking all over me. No more ms. nice girl.

laughterwithans @ 2009-12-08T20:44:00

2009-12-09T04:44:23Z

Just reminiscing tonight about my past. I loved you so much but I was so young and naive back then and since you I led myself to believe that I didn't deserve anything more than one night stands and loveless relationships. But I was so wrong and I deserve so much more. And I know as much as I say it or write it on LJ I still don't believe it myself and its a hard thing to convince yourself to be better when people constantly tell you that you are not. I pray everyday that I continue to have the strenghth to overcome my worst critic(myself). I take so much for granted. I bring myself down because I don't know how to bring myself up. And Clayton, you told me something I already knew about myself, something you loved, but you are just like the rest of them and what sucks is I put so much faith in you and you just let me down. I love you as a friend and always will, but I will no longer be a clutch to you or anyone else. Sex complicates things and honestly I wish I could take it back to bring it back to where we used to be. And you, Sarah are so selfish and attention seeking and it annoys me just to see your face now and that sucks. But I just can't take it anymore, I need balance I am always there for everyone and for once I just need someone to be there for me. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. And I didn't make third, and no one understands how much that hurt when I found out. I mean don't get me wrong I am so proud of everyone who made it but geez some good news would be good occassionally. Also its been 4 years 1 month and 8 days and it still hurts just as much today as it did then and I just want to know when I won't hurt anymore. One more thing I forgive everyone including myself for any wrongs they have done to me or I have done to them.

I'm leaving on a jet plane

2009-11-27T12:14:02Z

On my way to VA for a much needed vacation.

I will be home in January for those who would like to hang out.

laughterwithans @ 2009-11-01T20:02:00

2009-11-02T04:05:00Z

I think one of my problems in relationships is that I refuse to just settle down with someone I know I want be compatible with.
But at the same time I keep them around until I find something better.
Yes I know I am a shitty person at times.
The fuck if I am perfect.

laughterwithans @ 2009-10-19T23:57:00

2009-10-20T06:57:19Z

Your so elusive boy.

Keep moving forward, I won't let you drag me down.

I miss so many people.

laughterwithans @ 2009-10-09T01:39:00

2009-10-09T05:37:46Z

Paying bills sucks.

fludgin hlangovers

2009-07-12T00:43:36Z

So started new shift at work its now 4 on and 4 off with a training day and pt. I dont really like it all, I miss my section like crazy, we were such a close knit group. And I like working nights better. And I dont like having guardmount first and then arming up. And working 8 hours is nice but basically I end up getting stuck on post the whole time and not getting anytime in the unit.
I had my sentry board and I passed. Yay for me. Now I am working on my patrolman pqs, then I want to get rfi and dispatch qualed.
So just in case you all didn't know the saying out of sight out of mind is horseshit. I miss him and think about him everyday...I guess thats what I get for becoming best friends and starting to fall for someone who is married.
Other than that shit I am starting my other sleeve on the 17th, I fould a pretty legit tattoo shop out in Tulare.
Thats pretty much it right now...

somehow my life repeats itself.

2009-06-29T10:57:08Z

No matter what you say to me.
I know I am the one who is gonna be the one to be hurt in the end.
And you aren't the one to be blamed.
You have more to lose.
Just so you know you have made a difference in my life.

Oh lj drama...

2009-05-27T01:23:31Z

I think its so funny that people now way out of high school still take times out of their lives to talk shit about people on lj. But ya know I guess thats just where no one change because I know adults that do it. For real I have been in the military and I do love it but sometimes the gossip and politics is just ridiculous like for real leave people alone and let them do their jobs.

Were meant to lose the people we love, how else would we know how important they are?

2009-05-10T23:37:48Z

I am so lost. I am so confused. And maybe its me being nostalgic because I am in an entirely new place with very few people that I know. And I have been thrown back into that pile of politics that I forgot how much I truly despised it all. I guess things can only be good for so long. There are just so many things that are going through my mind and so many different things that I am feeling and I really don't feel like I have anybody to talk to because I am not sure if they know how I feel. Or maybe its just that they woulndt know what to say and maybe that's not even the point.

laughterwithans @ 2009-04-22T00:28:00

2009-04-22T04:30:48Z

I just made a twitter account. It seems pretty homo...but I guess we'll see.

I am happy

2009-04-05T22:05:52Z

We are so in love. Its awesome.

laughterwithans @ 2009-03-24T14:53:00

2009-03-24T11:53:59Z

8 days until I fly home.

laughterwithans @ 2009-02-26T18:22:00

2009-02-26T15:23:49Z

I still can't breathe.

I would wait for you.

Just so you know.

Getting a new tat on Monday.

2009-01-31T23:26:43Z

I am coming home in April.
I can't wait to see my mom and my little brother.
I can't wait to see Jess and ALL of my other friends.
I can't wait to be back in America.

I can't wait...

Florida<3

laughterwithans @ 2009-01-14T01:37:00

2009-01-14T06:39:25Z

YEAHHHH!!

Got orders going to Lemoore, California.

24 month billet.

Awesome news.

Still don't know when I will be home for leave.

Let you know when I do.

Eh late night thinking

2008-12-13T02:18:27Z

Its funny, I have been thinking a lot lately about the person I used to be.
And I am not at all proud of the things I have done and what I used to represent.
I am sure that I made friends and were completely deceitful to them.
I am sure that I made enemies.
I am sure there are still people at home that hate me.
And there are so many things that I wish I could re-do in my life.
But all I can do is try to improve the person I was and learn from the mistakes that I had made countless times.
There are many circumstances I could blame my actions on.
But ultimately in the end I only have myself to blame.
Because regardless of the pain or hurt I still made all of the decisions on my own free will.
What I want to do is apologize, that may be too late for some people.
And some might not even care anymore, but it still weighs on my heart heavily.
At some points when I have no distractions going on around me I just sit there and recount some of my experiences and I replay everything that I could have done differently, and if I had where would I be now.
When it all comes down to it though thats no way to live my life.
I will always have those memories and experiences with me, but they no longer rule my life. They no longer define the person I am or was.
Everyday is a new day. And its time to live like I should live. No more weakness. No more regrets.
Live with my heart and love and ambitions, instead of with my past and my hurt and my carelessness.

laughterwithans @ 2008-12-04T18:21:00

2008-12-04T23:20:52Z

That was so hard.

I am pretty sure this isn't going to get easier with time

2008-12-04T00:06:55Z

The military sucks. For a couple of reasons, but the reason I am going to harp on right now is the meeting all these new people becoming really close to them and then a couple of months later having to say goodbye, shits getting old and quick. I have already had to do it at home a couple of times already, but the thing about that is that I know no matter how long I am gone I am eventually going to see most of those people again. But so far in the military its been boot camp, A school, all the friends that have left so far here in Bahrain, and now my boys, my loves, some of my best friends. My marine boys from 3F3. Said goodbye tonight to the boyfriend and gonna come and seethem all off the island tomorrow. I already started crying. Tomorrow is gonna be hard for me. So after they leave I think I am gonna just pop a couple muscle relaxers and sleep my sadness away.

laughterwithans @ 2008-11-26T23:37:00

2008-11-27T04:36:33Z

So I am pretty sure that my heart just broke into a million pieces....turns out I am not over you.